Don’t Mess With The Queen

Posted: February 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

A Remake Chronicles Extra by Adam-Troy Castro

The following was written many years ago, in response to the Harrison Ford vehicle Air Force One. The imminent release of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter abruptly makes it timely again. Ladies and gentlemen, a coming attraction. – ATC

Shot 1: An elegant castle somewhere in England. Lots of International Political types debarking from helicopters and stretch limousines. Grim, pulsating music.

NARRATOR: “It is the turn of the millennium. And here, in this top secret location, the heads of the world’s most powerful countries are gathered for a conference that will change the course of history. Only something goes VERY WRONG…”

Shot 2: Massive fireball. Explosion throws down a brick wall, in bursts many paramilitary types with machine guns, firing. More grim music.

Shot 3: The panicked reaction among the diplomatic types. Bodies somersaulting through the air propelled by more explosions.

Shot 4: DAVID BOWIE (sneering international terrorist) “The rulers of the world are mine!”

Shot 5: MORGAN FREEMAN: (as NATO commander-in chief) “It’s World War Three if we don’t get them out in time!”

Shot 6: COLM MEANY (director of the CIA) “He’s got the entire castle wired with explosives! THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO!”

Shot 7: NARRATOR: “But the terrorists have forgotten one little thing…” One of the terrorists is suddenly yanked off his feet by a garrote. We see him falling over the high parapet, the camera zooms in on the person standing there…

EMMA THOMPSON: (sneering) “Not in my Country, you don’t!”

NARRATOR: “…the Queen of England!”

Shot 8: TERRORIST: “She’s taken out half the strike force! We can’t seem to stop her!”

BOWIE: (Proving his insane nature by shooting his own man): “Pity she looked so… helpless…on the paper money.”

Shot 9: Another explosion

Shot 10: NATO Command Center. Clom Meany arguing with Morgan Freeman.

MEANY: “We don’t even know if she’s still alive! We have to send in the troops!”

FREEMAN: “Dammit no! I know this woman! She’s the best there is! WE HAVE TO GIVE HER MORE TIME!”

Shot 11: Thompson battling Bowie in a flaming conference room: both are bloody and bruised, clothing in tatters:

NARRATOR: “Because whoever called her ‘just a powerless figurehead’…

(Thompson karate kicks Bowie over the table)

“…never met this lady!”

Shot 12: Closeup of Bowie, face twisted in hatred.

BOWIE: “Prepare to be…DEPOSED!”

Shot 13: Closeup of Thompson, bleeding from the lips but smiling. She takes a wicked, serrated knife from her royal gown:

THOMPSON: “We don’t THINK so…”


Directed by Richard Donner.

Original score by John Barry, available on EMI records.

NARRATOR: “Because the Sun never sets on the British Empire.”

  1. Von Ether says:

    “Shot 4: DAVID BOWIE (sneering international terrorist) “The rulers of the world are mine!””
    The Guild of Calamitous Intent strikes again!!

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